Where I had been cooking along on Inujini at a few thousand words a day I hit a road block. From last Monday to Wednesday I couldn’t get even 500 words done. A combination of imposter syndrome and current events stopped me cold.
Even though I sat on my computer pretty much all day on Monday, I wrote a total of 8 words. Tuesday wasn’t much better at a whopping 30 words. I handled it by feeling sorry for myself, snapping at my family, and eating a pint of Ben & Jerries Phish Food in mourning.
I got relief today when I did my morning meditations and readings. The Ace of Scepters turned up in my tarot analytics to say I was about to come up to a surge of inspiration that would bring about my “ah-ha!” moment and to go back to my beginning. “Return to an origin point and start over… back to the beginning might just be the breakthrough” I need.
I thought about it. I was mixing it up with other stories I’d written. I started this book a week ago and I’d already forgotten the start. Then I remembered: It begins with a headache. Yuki is having headaches because she’s going through kami-daari, her shamanistic yuta spiritual awakening.
And then it hit me, I’d forgotten her internal struggle. I’d gotten so involved with following the WWII outline I’d forgotten that my protagonist is a young girl on the verge of womanhood and struggling to come to grips with her world falling apart on all levels.
Once I had that figured out the words were once again flowing. Up to 14,226 tonight for a total of 1,987 words. That’s not nearly as many as I hoped for, but it’s a lot better than Monday’s 8. Now that things are flowing again, I’m confident I’ll make up for lost time—but can there be such a thing as “lost time” in creation?
All my disgusting, cranky, ice cream eating activity is part of the process. Our failures are only fails if we leave them on the floor. As long as we pick ourselves up, wipe the chocolate off our faces and continue, it’s a win.
Hope this can be encouraging for anyone else struggling to create right now in all this madness. It’s okay to trip, it’s okay to wallow. Just don’t stay there. We need you.