Little did we know the suffering that lay ahead… the trip started off great, except that I accidentally had my Google maps set to take back roads. I’ve only ever set it to that once, and it was earlier that day as an experiment. I forgot to set it back.
This resulted in the first hour of our trip driving down country lanes barely bigger than our truck and car caravan, with me yelling obscenities at Google and Mr. Smith telling me to calm down and watch the road. We figured it out shortly, and got underway.
I was the first driver and I started the trip by enthusiastically drinking a Five Hour Energy with a Redbull chaser. And then random snacks. Veggie Straws, chocolate covered almonds, turkey jerky… all of this was delivered via my mouth to go socialize with the pizza and BLT that already waited there. Then I followed up with another Five Hour Energy with a Redbull chaser. I was wired and drove for nine hours solid. Then I crashed…hard.
The next 12 hours I spent barfing into Walmart bags and feeling like death over the lovely country highways (meaning paved with large stones and cow poop) of Mississippi and Arkansas. Nothing against either state, but seriously? Spend some tax money on asphalt every now and then. I felt every notch in the pavement.
We tried to stop at a Walmart so I could clean myself up a bit and happened across the only Walmart in the US (maybe) that closes at 9 p.m. Isn’t there a law against that?
We stood outside of the Walmart, shivering under the burden of our first world problems, pushing against the glass trying to understand what was happening. Reality and bitter cold drove us back into the truck, denied.
We were traveling with three dogs, one of which became our least favorite as he decided to bark the entire trip. We were taking bets on which would go first, our sanity or his vocal cords. Turns out, both hung on by a thread. Mr. Smith heroically drove on through it all.
So why did a 14 hour trip take us 20 hours? Turns out a moving truck towing a car isn’t the zippiest thing on the road. We were pushing speeds of 40 mph up some of the steeper hills and got passed by a barn. Yes, a barn was faster than we were. I have video to prove it.
If the video embedded here loads too slow (like our truck), just see it on Youtube here.